How to Watch Every Lifetime Movie and Keep Your Sanity

Lifetime movies are entertaining and often pretty intense. So how do you feed your need for one guilty pleasure after another without starting to become a little neurotic about what’s real life with what might be loosely based on a real story?

 

Here are some tips on how to keep your headspace in check without sacrificing those salacious, melodramatic movies:

1.  How True is That Story?

Remember that “Based on a True Story” doesn’t guarantee that a Lifetime movie has anything more than a kernel of truth in the final cut. Yes, a person’s overcoming and triumphant moments should be treated with a hearty helping of appreciation.

But Lifetime knows that you came for the good, the bad, and the ugly. And if there’s not enough of that in a true story to titillate an audience for two hours, Lifetime has no problem bringing on some intense, dramatic filler to get there.

Moral of the only-somewhat-true story? That chick is an overcomer. She doesn’t need your empathy. Just enjoy the show.

2.  Online Dating Disasters

Truth be told, online dating can be scary. It’s a place where some of the world’s bad apples have found a way to fool and take advantage of innocent, trusting women.

And Lifetime movies take the terror of online dating to a whole other level. If you approach the prospect of online dating convinced that you’re going to be a serial killer’s next kill, it’s time for a reality check.

Remember those friends who met online and ended up getting married? They’re your reality.

It doesn’t mean that you have to trust every man who contacts you for a date. But not everyone’s out to get you. You just need to use common sense and trust your instincts.

Moral of the ‘“online dating disaster” story? There are more good guys than creeps out there. Stay safe, trust yourself and maybe take a night or two off from Lifetime dating disaster stories.

 

3.  Trust No One

I dare you to find a Lifetime movie (the exception being Christmas-themed movies) where the lead actor isn’t betrayed by someone they thought that they could trust. I’m a pretty big connoisseur of Lifetime movies and I can’t come up with a single title where betrayal of some kind doesn’t take place.

This is especially true when meeting new characters. But wait. Are they really new characters? It could be a long-lost adopted sister coming for what’s due to her after all these years. Or could she be that ex-girlfriend for her current lover?

Don’t sign up for the premium plan on that background checking website (yet). You’ve got people in your life you know you can trust. Yes, you do.

Moral of the “trust no one” story? Embrace the trustworthy people in your life. Maybe watch some of these dastardly tales with them, keeping in mind that your life doesn’t suck as bad as the actress in the movie. (But it’s okay to keep an extra eye on those newer friends. Lifetime does kind of have a point when it comes to those newbies.)

 

4.  Do I Know You?

If you’ve spent any time in the Lifetime movie-verse, things may start to seem like they’re getting a little familiar. Do you recognize that chick? Wait. That guy had brown hair the last time you saw him, right? Why is it red now? Holy cow. Didn’t I just watch her die last weekend?

Don’t worry. You’re not going crazy. Lifetime is loyal when it comes to their talent. When the right talent fits, you’re likely to see them in multiple movies over time.

Moral of the “do I know you” story? You aren’t seeing things. Facial recognition is a good thing. No paranoia is necessary for future Lifetime movie enjoyment.

5.  Baby Blues

Did you think that you wanted to have children of your own until you got hooked on Lifetime movies? Maybe that creepy neighbor across the street from your new home wants to steal and raise your baby. Or maybe your kid grows up to be a teenager determined to destroy any semblance of sanity you used to have with one shenanigan after another.

Lifetime can even make an excellent mother feel like the biggest failure in the world. What if you have an amazing, trusting relationship with your daughter? And then she sneaks out for the first time in her life to go to a party… and never comes back home?

See? It can happen to anyone. Why would anyone want to have children?

Moral of the “baby blues” story? Babies are good. Raising children can be rewarding and fulfilling. Just get out once in a while to a park or playground. That’s the reality. And even if there are tantrums and crying, regular mothers will never see what a Lifetime movie mom will see in their lifetimes.

 

6.  Always Feels Like Someone is Watching You

Watching a Lifetime movie about someone watching a lifetime character while feeling like someone is watching you watching a Lifetime movie…..Stop! That is a dangerous thought pattern that can creep in during a Lifetime movie marathon.

 

Every Lifetime movie where a woman is being spied on makes it appear as though it could happen to anyone. Binoculars are so basic but still a good tool. But secret cameras and living in the attic can bring on the terror so much better.

 

These movies make it seem so easy to be violated in secret. How easy would it be for someone to do it in your life?

Not so easy. You know your surroundings and the people you give access to your home. Think someone is going to sneak in and plant a device? To what end?

You’re special, but most of us aren’t special enough to motivate anyone to spy on us. That’s a good thing. We don’t want that kind of attention. Ever.

 

The moral of the “always feels like someone is watching you” story? You’re safe. Lock your doors and close your curtains. This is also a good way to keep perverts from getting any ideas from your Lifetime movies.

 

Sanity Saved

Now that you’ve got an idea about the pitfalls of Lifetime movie immersion, keep this list handy for those extra, extra long weekends in front of the TV. We need our Lifetime movies and can’t live without them.

 

And if you start to wonder about your sanity, is it really all it’s cracked up to be?